Hello everyone,
It's finally Friday and I am feeling so much better. Went through some disappointments and have been dealing with some pretty heavy personal stuff which has had such tremendous impact on my mood, creativity, and well-being. The last 3 days have been seeing improvement and today has been very positive and uplifting. Feeling very grateful and rather embarrassed by some of my behavior . I don't do so well when stuck in a rut and have to be patient with God's timing for my life. I become rather insolent, mean and downright obnoxiously rude. It's less about hurting others and more about wanting to seriously introvert, cocoon and recoup while trying to make sense of it all. I get angry with God, cannot cope with life, find people/places exhausting, and my personality warps. I have come to realize that withdrawing is better than interacting as I am not fun to be around. It's funny because people who know me, are somewhat confused by this opposite side of my personality. Usually bubbly, silly, smiling, engaged and up for the next challenge; when it's been too many crushing blows I deign to isolate, lash out & wilt for a while. God knows I have been at the limit this past month, I thought I wanted even Him to leave me alone but he sent me a wonderful gift and I am so grateful because it arrived when I needed it most.
Hope is difficult for me at times, life has not always been so kind and for those of you who know what it is like to struggle more than most, you know that this is stated as fact; not whining or for pity. There is a difference between going through tough times and experiencing life in ways that crush, truly harm and leave scars that do not completely heal. I push away hard when my scars make their presence felt, I want nothing and no one in these moments. Life becomes altogether too much and I need to crumble for a bit, I cannot stand being around others or in spaces with too much stimulation, everything grates on me and I want to be left alone.
Then I get it and eventually realize that's not enough either. A gentle knock and nudge at the door of my soul, with unfaltering love and kindness I do not necessarily deserve after my horrid behaviour, always arrive at the perfect moment. It's when I have fallen far enough to realize I can't do it alone and I do need God; this is when He knows I am receptive and ready to try once more and he comes with His brand of awesomeness one just can't buy. I lean hard on those strong hands because feeling broken brings a fragility that only God's unconditional love overstands and is patient with in a way no human can ever be.
I am so grateful to you Lord for finding me in my darkest hours, in the hardest loneliest kinds of despair, and never giving up on me but instead continuing to love me in a way that is more beautiful than anything ever seen or known. I am repeating this next one because I am really liking it:
If you are struggling right now, please take heart, I know how lonely and sad we can be made to feel but remember that you are not your emotions. Those are your responses to your true state being at odds with the fallen world we must all make our way through. God counts our tears, God is against the difficulties, for our happiness and success, His love does not see your faults but rather the beauty of what he created and tends to with the most tender and kind Love. I send you light and laughter through the dark along with warm hugs and prayers of comfort. You can keep going, you will arrive and you will continue to burn brightly for all to see.
God bless each and everyone!
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